


my heart is thrilled by the still of your hand

by ofself



Category: Korean Drama, Train (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forbidden Love, Jealousy, Kissing in the Rain, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Rain, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofself/pseuds/ofself
Summary: Old sins have long shadows. With his father no longer around, it is up to Do Won to bear the cross of his sins.His penance for his father's crime is taking care of Seo Kyeong and ensuring she lives the life her father wanted her to live.That should have been the end. But Do Won takes his penance one step further.He falls in love with Seo Kyeong.Note:- story tags have been updated accordingly. please take note of them!
Relationships: Han Seo Kyung/ Seo Do Won
Comments: 7
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing my own dang happy ending because I can. And also because regardless of how the episodes progress, I thought it would be really neat to trace Seo Kyung's and Do Won's journey in World A from start to finish.
> 
> Title from No Plan by Hozier.
> 
> Also please excuse any inaccuracies because I took some liberties with the timeline to suit my own purpose

He hates apologies so much.

They are all he ever seems to say. If not for his father, it is on behalf of his father. On behalf of a son whose father does not know how to act like one. He hates it so much. He’s been doing it for so long now, that it's become second nature. As a child, he cannot fix anything. All he can do is be sorry. His father tries his very best but more often than not, the lure of a bottle of soju is much more powerful than anything else.

It comes as no surprise to Do Won, that even in his father’s last moments, there is one more apology to be made. But does the apology fit the crime? Is it enough?

The gold necklace is a warm jagged weight in his hands. And he’s so tired. And he cannot bear to look at that girl, her face blank with grief, held prisoner by her sadness. They have been exchanging gazes here and there. She had noticed he was the only one sitting near his father’s memorial and he had noticed that she was the only one sitting at her father’s memorial.

-

He’s ready. He’s so ready to stand in front of a train and let all of him disappear. At least then, his every waking hour will not reverberate with the tragedy of his father’s crimes.

But he’s not alone. There is that girl as well. And she seems to have the same thought as him. How terribly ironic and yet fated, for them to be connected this way. In another five minutes, a train will approach and Do Won will be forever free. The girl looks at Do Won once, and he remembers the time in the rain, where she was wet and alone. He helped her then. He only gave her his umbrella but she needed it and he didn’t mind. It had been a small but meaningful gesture.

Maybe, _just maybe_ he should help her now as well. _He_ has no reason to live. But she can. She’s got her entire life ahead of her. The minutes tick by as he tries to decide. But then he hears the siren of the approaching train, spies the engine in the distance and sprints. He sprints to her, not a second too late and tackles her to the ground, away from the grating of metal wheels against metal tracks.

Their landing is not pleasant. But they are whole and complete. That’s what matters.

“Why?” the girl mumbles.

Do Won stands up and gives her his hand. She takes it and he pulls her up. When they let go, it is clear that the wounds on their hands have mixed their blood with each other.

“You have to make your father proud. Just, don't— _uh_ , don’t do this again.”

“There is no one left to be proud of me.” Her voice hitches, and she chokes on a sob, her eyes becoming blurry in seconds.

Do Won does not know why he says this (but he will realize it much later, when it’s too late) but he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

“I’ll be proud of you. I shall— no, I _will_. I will be. Proud of you, that is.”

“Then what about you? You too must make someone proud.” Tears are still steadily rolling down her cheeks, but she sounds as calm and even as she can be. 

Do Won smiles, a little sad, a little bitter. “There was only my father. And now he’s gone.”

“I will be proud of you then.” The girl blinks up at him, a semblance of a smile appearing on her face. 

It’s a punch to the gut. But never has a punch felt so kind. So gracious. Do Won has no words but feels his eyes prickle with unshed tears. 

“Oppa? My name is Seo Kyeong. Han Seo Kyeong.” She gently pulls at the sleeve of his shirt, before wiping away her tears. Do Won jolts back into the present when he notices blood from her grazed hand mingling with the tears on her face.

“Uh— let’s go and purchase a first aid kit,” Do Won gruffly spits out before turning on his heel. He doesn't have to know she's following him because her presence feels like a warm light behind him.

-

Grief makes strange bedfellows out of people. There is nothing to say but so much to feel. He walks her to school, and then walks her back, once school is done. They never really talk, but sometimes, she calls him just to cry, and sometimes, he calls her just to listen to the sound of her presence. He does know that she has family remaining. Rather, a stepfamily. A mother and a brother, who don’t feel like family at all.

One day, there's an unexpected break in the routine. Classes are over and the sun is beginning to set. But Seo Kyeong is nowhere to be seen. Do Won calls her number, wanting for the first time to hear her voice. But hours pass and there’s still no sight of her. One moment the watchman saw her waiting and the next, she wasn’t there so he assumed she left with Do Won.

An ugly sense of dread begins to clog Do Won’s chest. He turns on his heel and races through the streets leading to her home, his finger periodically pressing on the redial button. He races past a dark alleyway and hears a faint ring. Do Won skids to a stop and rushes towards the source of the sound. In the distance, under a lone streetlight, he can see Seo Kyeong struggling to fend off her assaulter, a large man who seems to be getting the better of tender, frail, Seo Kyeong.

The dread very quickly morphs into rage and Do Won can hardly see straight as he mindlessly throws himself onto the man, tackling him to the ground and sending Seo Kyeong into a stack of cardboard boxes. 

This man, no maybe this a boy, one who is so much bigger and taller than Do Won tries to fight back, but Do Won’s wrists are flying, too quick for the boy to do anything other than screaming and covering his face.The moment Do Won sees blood stains his knuckles he stops, but only to spit out, “If you ever come near Seo Kyeong again, I will kill you and your mother as well.”

He knows who this is. Seo Kyeong’s ‘family’. 

The boy, a worthless piece of scum, mumbles something that sounds like an agreement. But Do Won does not wait for one. He is not going to. This piece of shit is never going to get the chance to even appear in Seo Kyeong’s line of sight. He gets up and turns towards Seo Kyeong, who’s shivering and looking so alone, but so grateful. He gathers her strewn books and backpack and lifts her up off the ground. He removes his blazer and gently places it on her shoulders. It’s not much use because he is also wet, but it is something at least.

“Seo Kyeong-ah, let’s go.” Do Won takes her hand in his and leads her out the alleyway. It’s still raining but he does not mind the rain. He knows what to do now. She's his responsibility now.

-

Things don’t change for Do Won right away. He’s her Oppa and she’s—, she’s his to take care of and look after. His family. His everything. Seo Kyeong fits seamlessly into Do Won and Ms. Oh’s lives. She never really asks for anything, helps with chores around the house when she is not studying and silently watches movies with Do Won, a small peaceful smile on her face, whenever she’s next to him.

Over the years, as she grows and blossoms, Do Won feels his heart expand and contract, sometimes painfully, sometimes blissfully. He never feels quite at home until there is Seo Kyeong by his side, even if she’s just studying for her college entrance exam and he prepares to join the police force. He cannot afford for the both of them to go to college but he can eventually work his way up to being a detective. He just needs to take the exam a little later.

Seo Kyeong is distressed that he’s sacrificing his own dreams to finance hers, but Do Won brooks no complaint. 

“Once you finish your degree, then I will get mine.”

“Okay. Then, I will help you get yours.” Seo Kyeong acquises finally after much argument, her face lit up by a sheen of affection.

Do Won laughs. “You don't have to do that.”

“Oppa takes care of Seo Kyeong, Seo Kyeong takes care of Oppa. All you have to do is make me proud.” She beams at him. Do Won feels a spark of affection and an even more subtle spark of attraction. She's come home after a long day of studying at the library. Any makeup she may have applied is long gone, her hair is done up in a haphazard ponytail, and her under eyes are tinged by the hint of dark circles. 

_But_. 

She looks tired, but she is happy. He knows when she is sad, he knows when she’s happy. And now, with the cool night air whipping around them, Do Won feels blinded by the warmth of her affection. It’s so comforting to revel in it. 

With a start he realizes that he needs to leave, otherwise he’s going to be late for his shift, so he sends her off, with a good night and a reminder to lock the door behind her and eat the dinner he’s left on the table. 

Today, he realizes as he watches Seo Kyeong walk up the stairs to her room, that he loves her. And probably has for a very long time. 

_Fuck._

-

Until Do Won did not put a label on this feeling, this strange warm happiness, he never felt affected by it.

But now that he knows, everything he does for her drives home the point, much like a sledgehammer flattening a nail. It begins to eat away at him. He cannot understand how one of his greatest sources of happiness is also one of his greatest sources of pain.

For him, the son of a murderer, to fall in love with the daughter, of the man who got murdered by his father, it’s beyond despicable. It’s a sick joke.

At first, he tries to bury his feelings as much as he can, deliberately ensuring that he only sounds kind and caring, much like a brother would. But it’s too much and he cannot do it. Because the harder he tries to suppress his emotions, the harder they are to control. It’s like a floodgate, threatening to break loose. 

So he tries punishing himself. Pushes his body harder when training, taking on strenuous hours, trying to tire out both his body and his mind so that he does not have the space or the time to think. It works but only until Seo Kyeong notices he’s pushing himself so hard, assumes it’s because of her (and it is, it always will be, just not the way she assumes right now) and threatens to quit college unless he begins to take the rest he so sorely needs. Seo Kyeong never really asks for things, but she’s firm, and calm, and stubborn (qualities he admires her for, adores her for) when she does and Do Won agrees.

There’s no other way. There’s nothing Do Won wouldn’t do if Seo Kyeong asked him to. Yes, even murder.

He begins to despair of never being able to tell her but continuously feeling like he should. It’s a painful push and pull and Do Won longs to tell her, to hold her, to have her, but this is the one invisible line he would never cross. He’s her guardian, and she, well, she’s just his. His everything. And he cannot have that which was never intended to be his in the first place. If his father never did what he did that day, Do Won and Seo Kyeong would never be what they are today. 

So he tries his best to be a good Oppa, ignores all the feelings that continuously well up inside of him and continues to drop and pick-up Seo Kyeong from college so that at the very least he does not have to deal with the ugly jealousy that rears it’s head when her seniors decide to walk her home or provide her with unwanted company. Seo Kyeong is vocal about her dislike of pushy boys and is known to ignore anything and everything that she isn’t interested in and yet, the boys never stop troubling her. They seem to flock to her like butterflies in a garden. 

Some days, when he arrives to pick her up, it does not take much to shove down the green monster. The other days, it’s hard. And some days, there is no subduing it.

Like today.

-

When he drives up to the curb of her college gate, he right away notices Seo Kyeong holding her arms around herself, which is her tell for feeling uncomfortable but doing her best to be polite. Every few seconds, the man inches closer to her, a charming grin on his face, and Seo Kyeong becomes even more rigid. Before he knows it, he’s thrown the car into park and has walked right up to Seo Kyeong. Completely ignoring the man before her, he throws his arm around her shoulder and feels her visibly relax in his embrace. Seo Kyeong does not even have to look to know it is him. She just does. Just like he always knows when she arrives, before he even sees her face. 

“Seo Kyeong-ah, why are you still standing around here? Did you forget we were going out for grilled beef?” He asks her before slowly turning towards the man and levelling a coolly-assessing gaze at him. The man smiles but the corners of his mouth visibly droop. Seo Kyeong hastens to make introductions.

“Oppa, this is Jun Hwan sunbae-nim. He’s in the year above me.” Do Won lowers his head in the faintest bow that he can manage without being outright rude and feels Seo Kyeong relax more into his side. His arm around her tightens, not too hard, but comforting enough for her to know that he’s there to take care of her. Because he always is going to be. 

“Sunbae-nim, this is my Oppa.” Seo Kyeong doesn't bother to specify any further, because she doesn't need to. She beams at the man and Do Won smirks a little at the man. 

“Oh, well, nice to meet you— uh,” he casts around for a word, before settling on, “Hyung-nim. Seo Kyeong-ssi, I shall be on my way then.” The man affects a hasty bow and turns away, his shoulders slumped in the tell-tale sign of defeat.

Seo Kyeong slumps into his side and before he knows it, she’s turned their position into a hug, winding her arms tight around him. For a moment, his left hand shivers before he gently sets it down on her back. He feels Seo Kyeong’s arm tighten around his waist and fuck it— this is going to be a memory that he will cherish in the years to come because this is all he can have. Now and forever. He knows his thought processes are a little melodramatic but if he can’t show his emotions, he can at least think them right?

Her head fits right under his chin and a pleasant buzz tingles along his spine. Seo Kyeong can’t see his face so he can relax his mask and live a little. And feel a little. He sees some of her classmates walk by and they seem to coo at how in love Seo Kyeong and her man are, and there’s nothing wrong with having them believe a little white lie. Surely he’s allowed that at least. 

Seo Kyeong slowly disentangles herself from the embrace and Do Won’s normal expression slides back into a place. A little bland. A little loving. A whole hint of nothing.

He’s taken aback to see that tears have rolled down her face.

“Seo Kyeong-ah, what happened? Did that man trouble you?” He’s hanging onto a very thin line of composure and his shoulders tighten.

Seo Kyeong shakes her head. “No, I’m just so happy to have you in my life.” He raises a hand to thumb away the tears of her face and before he can, her own hand rises up to roughly swipe at her face. So he tamps down on the urge to comfort her, wipe away her tears and insteads smiles down at her.

“Now let’s go eat grilled pork Oppa. I’m hungry.” She tugs at his shirt and he already knows what he’s going to do and say.

“I thought you just needed an excuse to blow him off!” He mocks at her, even though she’s still tugging him towards the car.

“I did. And now that you mentioned it, I need grilled pork as well. Proteins. Good for your brain and all that."

“Not good for my wallet though, “ he snarks but follows her anyway, a small smile sneaking up on him.

He knows that he cannot have everything with her. But maybe these few things? Being a part of her life, amongst her circle of people, he can do that, can’t he?

-

Two years later, Seo Kyeong graduates and joins the prosecutor’s office as a junior prosecutor. She stays true to her promise and supports him while he studies for the detective exam. When he passes with flying colours and joins the force, she gifts him a shiny new watch to replace the earlier one that cracked. Finally he stops wearing the broken watch and instead wears the new one. A year later, she confesses her feelings to him. He shuts her down before she can even finish her sentence and walks out of the room, tears rolling down his face because he’s done it, the one thing he swore he would never do which is, leave her. He stands outside the door for a moment, listening to the way she cries, small quiet sobs, a thing she had never done for a while now, and it is just as painful as the first time he heard her cry. 

Ms Oh, now Chief Oh does not ask what happened. She knows the story however and she squeezes his shoulder in comfort. He cannot be with Seo Kyeong without telling her the truth and he dare not tell her the truth because maybe then she will truly have no reason to see him anymore. He too will be gone from her life and she will be alone once again. And so will he.

-

The cure for a wounded heart is not jumping into a new relationship, but that’s what Do Won does. He asks out an old friend Jung Min, who he dated once when in the academy only to realize he liked her as a friend, and this time, he tells her he wants to give them another shot.

He feels a little bad but theorizes this is for his own good. Maybe he will replace Seo Kyeong in his heart with another woman and it won’t even hurt. Not even a little.

Jung Min eyes him speculatively for a while before agreeing. And all things considered, it’s great. She’s a great drinking buddy, they are sexually compatible and neither of them like discussing their emotions.

It does not take long for word to spread around the departments, like he knew it would. He steels himself to see Seo Kyeong at work and not feel like he’s betraying her by being who he is. But it doesn’t really come to that.

In fact, one day, five months later to the date to be exact, Seo Kyeong sees them both in the hallway and approaches them like a good colleague would.

“I heard the news. Congratulations!” She wishes them as she fiddles with a water bottle in her hands. Maybe Do Won imagines it or maybe he sees her hands shake a little.

Do Won smiles politely, along with Jung Win and replies in kind.

“I hope you two will be very happy together.” And here’s the thing. The knife in his heart. Seo Kyeong is being absolutely sincere right now. She really does wish them well. Do Won knows when Seo Kyeong is polite but distant and he knows when she’s kind and polite, and also sincere.

There’s a very small part of Do Won that wishes she would be a little jealous. A little angry. Not this respectable young woman, who looks confident and assured, and is coolly professional. So that maybe he could have that memory of her, where in another time and place, she wants him just as much as he wants her.

She then smiles at them before leaving the hallway and heading down to another office. Do Won watches her walk away and thinks of how she was born to be a prosecutor. The assured gait of her stride, the confidence in her shoulders, and how perfect she looks in her suit, all traces of the young girl he used to know replaced by a young woman who’s making her mark in the world.

He stares for far longer than is polite and fails to notice Jung Min eyeing him thoughtfully.

-

After three months, Jung Min sits him down and kindly but firmly explains that their relationship has run its course and that they should just be good friends. It’s a very amicable separation and Do Won it not sad. He’s a little relieved. And a little shocked when Jung Min muses that he was in love with someone, but not with her. It’s the most offhand statement and Do Won doesn’t realize it until he drops down in his bed and the full impact of Jung Min’s words hit him.

Immediately, a sense of shame floods him. He owes Jung Min a very big apology. And he owes— well he owes himself nothing. That’s the price he has to pay. Sins of the father and all that. 

He falls into a disturbed sleep and he dreams of Seo Kyeong in a world where she's all alone and does not have him. This Seo Kyeong is hardened and cynical, nothing like his own Seo Kyeong. He does not like it. Another dream follows, this time, he goes back to his teens. And Seo Kyeong is her younger self as well. She calls and he follows, entranced by this version who feels only a little like her, but also very much like her. She walks to the ocean and beckons. They go deeper and deeper, till she disappears under the surf. He dives under immediately but she’s gone and he is being pulled back to the shore by some invisible force. Seo Kyeong appears before him, once more, except this time they are adults and she remains tantalizing out of grasp. He grabs the water in front of him, but he ends up on the beach, the waves rolling up and down, the foam of the sea washing away leaving only the gritty feel of wet sand on his hands. 

He wakes up a few hours later, the dreams still fresh in his mind. He doesn't need his subconscious to tell him what he already knows. A romantic future with Seo Kyeong is only going to be a dream, nothing more.

-

When Do Won reaches work he’s surprised to see the senior prosecutor’s team waiting for tables to be set up. There’s the senior prosecutor and along with Seo Kyeong and two other men he doesn't care to register. Seo Kyeong spots him first and gives him a polite smile before turning away to talk with her colleagues. The senior prosecutor approaches him, his hand held out for Do Won.

“Team Leader Seo, I hope you don’t mind our intrusion today. We are investigating the ‘6 Missing Women’ case. And there’s a lot of information we need to comb through, and occasionally, we might request you for a few details or files related to the missing women.”

“Not at all, we’d be happy to help,” Do Won smiles as he shakes the man’s hand firmly. The case had previously been assigned to his team, but once they figured out there was a pattern, the prosecutor’s office had taken over. He walks over to his desk and as soon as he sits down, he realizes that he and Seo Kyeong are in each other’s line of sight. They lock gazes for a few heated seconds before Seo Kyeong looks away, donning her professional mask and beginning work.

Do Won gets down to his own work. There are a number of reports to be filed and approved. It’s mind-numbing work, but absolutely necessary all the same. Maybe if he was working on something else, he wouldn’t be so bored. Because he periodically finds himself looking at Seo Kyeong. Her hair is falling onto the side of her face, almost shielding her face from the right side. He can tell she’s focused because when she focuses intensely, her mouth forms a pout and her eyebrows are drawn. He knows what she’s going to do in a few seconds. And he’s right.

Exactly a few seconds later, she produces a hair elastic and does her hair up in the messy ponytail she favoured all through college. 

Try as he can, there are some things Do Won cannot forget. They are engrained deep into his bones. And most of it is habits Seo Kyeong has, the expressions she makes, the things she likes, and the movies she enjoys. Who is he fooling? The most prominent parts of his memories are those that feature Seo Kyeong. They are impossible to forget. 

When he’s looking at her, Seo Kyeong happens to look up and even though her eyes seem to gloss over him, he hastily looks away and insteads meets Jae Hyuk’s eyes, who is looking at him, a little too knowing, a little too malicious. 

Do Won school’s his expression before getting back to work. But this time, he’s a lot more subtle about looking at her. There was a time when no matter how far away she was from him, the distance always seemed to be nothing. And now, here they are, relatively close to each other but with an endless chasm separating them.

Do Won knows what she’s doing and how she's doing because Chief Oh keeps him updated. But there’s a difference between knowing and seeing. And the latter is something that he gets to do very infrequently. She seems to be doing fine, and definitely better than how she would have been doing had he told her the truth about their parents. He can live with her hating him for this, but not for hiding the truth from her. That thought seems unbearable to even imagine.

The department stays silent as both the teams work diligently. When they break for lunch, of course Do Won invites the senior prosecutor and his team for lunch in the cafeteria and because he wasn’t already suffering enough, Seo Kyeong happens to end up next to him through sheer coincidence. Desultory conversation occurs around the table but Do Won is unable to focus on anything.

He’s hyper aware of Seo Kyeong’s presence next to him, and he’s flooded with all the memories of them simply resting in each other’s presence. As always, she is warm and comfortable and out of the corner of his eyes, he can see her eat, neatly and methodically as she always does, vegetables neatly collected on one side and rice on the other. But the worst part is not remembering the way she eats. It’s the fragrance that seems to linger over her body. And it’s one that is unknown to him. She favoured a different kind of perfume before, something more floral and soft. But this one smells like vanilla and warm sugar, with the slightest hint of something sharp. With every inhale, the scent seems to settle down in his memories, a tidbit locked away for later use. It would make sense that she no longer uses the things that used to be in her youth.

Everything about her is different, a little sharper, but he doesn’t have to look into her eyes to know that Seo Kyeong he knows is still there. She may be sharp, but she has a soft heart. She may be cool, but she’s also warm and thoughtful. That is the essence of Seo Kyeong that will never change. 

He’s so caught up and distracted by her presence that it takes a few minutes for Jin Woo to catch his attention. _This is why._ This is why he cannot be next to her or in her vicinity. He forgets about the other things that exist around him. He answers Jin Woo a little brusquely and immediately excuses himself from the table. Heads to the bathroom and splashes some cold water on his face. He needs to be back in the present. Not in the cotton haze of older memories.

When he comes out of the restroom, he notices Seo Kyeong near the water cooler, and one of her colleagues. The man tries to touch her hand but she pulls it away quickly. And really, old habits die hard. So he walks up to them, only to catch the last of her words.

“...if you touch me again, I will rip your face off.” She snaps before distancing herself from the man and freezing in her spot when she sees Do Won. 

“Uh, Prosecutor Han. I needed to ask you something about the Lee Ji Yeong case. Perhaps we can talk in the evidence room?” Do Won is powerless to stop himself. The words are out of his mouth before he can even think through them.

Seo Kyeong nods, a little surprised, and together, they make their way to the evidence room.

“What did you want to know about the case, Team Leader Seo?”

They stop right before the evidence room and Do Won fails to answer her. What can he say? That he wants to always be there for her? Or that he made up a false reason to get her away?

“Uh, I needed to ask you about the security camera details of the places she was last seen?”

Seo Kyeong raises an eyebrow at him before heading inside the room. She heads to the evidence boxes and not before long, she has pulled the files he never needed in the first place to begin with.

“Here you go, Team Leader Seo.” She hands over the files and heads to the door, but stops before twisting the knob.

“I don't need you to come rescue me any more Oppa. I can take care of myself. I’m a big girl now." 

She sounds level, smiling wryly at him. But Do Won can hear the way her voice stutters a little, and he can see that her smile doesn't really reach her face. She leaves before he can even react and though he smiles at the files in his hand, he knows it doesn't really reach his heart, eyes or soul. 

He cannot blame her for pouring gasoline all over his wounds when he did the same to her and she never even blamed him or hated him. No, she listened and accepted his answer and carried on with her life. Of the both of them, Seo Kyeong is the bigger person. He may have cruelly rejected her feelings, but she’s never been anything other than cordial to him. He’s the one who’s brash and forceful, unnecessarily so at times, to her. Whenever he crosses paths with her, he’s caught between two impulses. One, draw her close. Two, push her away before he can change his mind. It’s as if because he cannot express his love towards her, he compensates with anger and hopes to goad her into reacting with anything other than measured conversation. 

Of all his asshole tendencies, this is one of the worst. He’s not some love sick fool who’s incapable of expressing his emotions through only anger. 

He’s _just_ , he’s just a love sick man, who feels _so much_ but can only say _so little_.

-

The rest of the day carries on rather mundanely. But for Do Won, it is unbearable. It’s been three years since he has spent more than a few minutes in the vicinity of Seo Kyung. It’s a special kind of hell to be in. Because you see, he wants to be around her. But also, he cannot. The minutes tick by as the day stretches on and when Do Won is just about to jump out of his skin in sheer frustration, when the senior prosecutor offers to take them all out for dinner and drinks.

It’s not an invitation. It’s a statement.

For a few minutes, Do Won considers pulling out and citing some work that he needs to complete, but he also knows he has to be there for his team. And Seo Kyeong.

Dinner and drinks happen in a daze because of course, there’s nothing else for him to focus on, except for Seo Kyeong. The coworker from the afternoon keeps stealing gazes at her. He thinks he’s being subtle, except Seo Kyeong hasn't even bothered to look in his direction and is instead chatting with Jin Woo. But Do Won looks, Do Won catches and Do Won smiles, a little too predatory, a little too intense. It works and the co-worker hastily averts his eyes and instead focuses his attention on the senior prosecutor.

Do Won thought he only felt jealousy when he saw Seo Kyeong with other men. But this is not the case. He feels jealous of anyone who has Seo Kyeong's attention. He’s irrationally annoyed by the way Jin Woo and her seem so comfortable with each other. He knows it’s hypocritical of him to be annoyed for something she hasn’t even done, but even tho, it still chafes. Jae Hyeok, bless the man, engages him in some random discussion and Do Won drinks, slow and steady and pretends to be not even the least affected by Seo Kyeong’s presence.

At around twelve, the dinner party winds up and Do Won feels a huge sense of relief. He can go now and feel like shit in his own apartment. It would make sense for him and Seo Kyeong to go together because they practically live next to each other, but for some reason, Do Won does not offer and nor does Seo Kyeong. It feels like a lot to put her through because he was the one who pushed her away in the first place. 

It’s the truth and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. 

-

When Do Won finally lies on his bed, he hates himself. And his father, just a little. But mostly he hates himself. The scene in the afternoon makes his stomach uncomfortably churn because he realizes, there’s many people Seo Kyeong can be with. So many men are much better than him and will take care of her better. They will treat her the way she deserves, love her the way she deserves, not this mess of anger and longing he keeps projecting towards her.

He must make his peace. He really must. He just doesn’t know how. 

-

Months pass before he sees Seo Kyeong again. Some of it is him avoiding her and some of it must be her avoiding him. It almost helps. Because if he cannot see her, he does not have to think of her. But she’s never far from his mind and he’d be a liar if he said he does not think of her. 

He thinks of her so much, that when her birthday rolls around, he picks up cake and candles and ponders approaching her. Maybe it would reset some of the equation between them. But it would also be a dick move. He can’t push her away and then expect to be welcomed with open arms. It’s not fair to her at all. He steps out of the car, wanting to clear his head a little and wait for Seo Kyeong to head back to her room.

Instead she comes to him. She’s holding a duffel bag and she looks unhappy and tired. Even though it’s her birthday.

“These are some of the things you left behind.” She holds out the bag towards him.

“Keep it. I don’t need those things.” It’s not easy for him to not choke on his own words but he manages admirably anyway. 

And finally, her composure breaks as she tosses the bag towards him, tears running down her eyes steadily.

“Why did you leave Oppa? Is it because I told you I like you? Is the thought of me so unbearable that you don't even want to be near me? I never asked you to like me back. I just wanted to tell you. That’s all.”

Seo Kyeong’s voice finally hitches on a sob and Do Won curls his hands into painful fists, nails digging into the soft palm of his hand.

“Yes, it was because of you. Your words, they felt like a burden.” Never has Do Won despised himself as much as he does now but he manages to say what he needs to. Even though it is not what he wants to say. 

Seo Kyeong turns white as a sheet as soon as she hears his words and he now knows that this is the final nail in the coffin. But the hammer had to fall some time or the other.

“I am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. Please accept my apology.” Seo Kyeong nods her head towards him and he can feel the blood in his veins freeze. She turns on her heel and leaves, without a backward glance, spine so erect and stiff, head held high. The bag lies on the ground and he picks it up. 

He wasn’t lying when he said it was stuff he doesn’t need anymore. 

It’s just that, what he actually wants is what he cannot have. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, worry not. There are two chapters to be added. But I am only half done so I figured I would post the first half. Seo Kyeong and Do Won will eventually get their happy ending, but not before I make them suffer a little more and work for their resolution.
> 
> Also, pls watch OCN Train, because everybody is doing a great job and it's so thrilling to watch!
> 
> Come say hi to me on tumblr! You can find me at wullu.tumblr.com. I'm always up for incoherent screaming about romantic plotlines that have so much potential and yet are not used!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do Won thought he had all the answers, all the right reasons. But he realizes too late that he does not. And it is Seo Kyeong who pays the price for his mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, this update is very early. ;____; Anyhow, the angst factor gets upped in this chapter. More suffering for Do Won and Seo Kyeong before happiness arrives.
> 
> **IMPORTANT**
> 
> Trigger warning for attempted sexual assault. Please proceed with caution if this is something that triggers you. Warning for strong and derogatory language towards a woman as well.
> 
> Tags will be updated accordingly.

The most torturous of hells are the ones you create for yourself. Do Won realizes that now. 

And it is possible for one person to be both your heaven and hell. Do Won lives through this experience every day now. The sight of Seo Kyeong is one for sore eyes. But the fact of being in her orbit, and not being able to interact with her is pure torture. 

The thing is, Do Won does not know any other way to live. Without Seo Kyeong, there is no reason to live. If she's here and he's somewhere around here, he will manage, somehow or the other. It's enough to go on. It has to be because there is no other alternative. He just needs to be somewhere in her vicinity. He does not have to see. He just has to know that she’s there. The pain feels manageable then.

But that is not how things pan out. 

-

The case of the missing women makes headlines as soon as one of the missing women is discovered, bound and gagged and so very dead in a suitcase left at the abandoned Mugyeong train station. The tally of missing women goes from six to seven.In no time the news spreads.The nation is outraged and the government has no choice but to make the case a national emergency and set up a special squad to investigate.

First things first, his team is a part of the squad because at least two of the missing women disappeared from the jurisdiction he works in. Do Won is raring to go, not because he likes that women are showing up missing, but rather because if there is one thing Do Won can do well and not fuck up, it is catching scummy bastards.

But here is the other thing, the kicker. The cherry on top of the mess that is his life.

The other team who is also going to be a part of the squad is that of Lead Prosecutor Kims’. The man who is Seo Kyeong’s boss. And Do Won wouldn't give two shits about who he teams up with but there’s a special kind of cruel trick the universe is playing on him at the moment, and that is putting Seo Kyeong in his line of sight.

Do Won uses work to escape. But maybe he’s not built up enough good karma in his past life because the universe mandates that he has to face the consequence of his decisions. 

Now there is no escaping Seo Kyeong, not even at work.

-

On the first day of the special squad’s creation, Chief Oh lays out what the plan going ahead is going to be. And the lead prosecutor adds his two bits about how both the teams can work together to cover more ground. Do Won listens to all of this as diligently as possible but he also cannot wait to get out of the room. It is suffocating to look at Seo Kyeong, be in her presence and not even be acknowledged, except in the most cursory fashion. He’s aware that he has no one to blame but himself. She is just respecting his requests. It still feels like a knife jammed into his ribcage, however.

Jae Hyeok begins to brief the squad about all the evidence they have gathered so far and when he comes to the details of how the victims were found, Do Won instead finds himself paying attention to  _ that _ man who hit on Seo Kyeong, near the water cooler. That man spends far too much time looking in her direction, even though Seo Kyeong has been aggressively ignoring him and instead is making notes about the key details they need to unearth. 

The green monster in him rises in no time at all. And Do Won realizes, despite his best efforts, it didn’t really go away. It’s just been dormant. He wants to clobber the brains out of this man for even thinking about Seo Kyeong. 

When the meeting ends, Do Won dawdles long enough to wait until Seo Kyeong heads out of the room and then follows her soon after, cutting into her colleague’s path. There is something so satisfying about seeing him be annoyed at not being able to trail behind her. And Do Won is not above occasionally taking pleasure in other’s troubles.

-

After that fateful night, two weeks to this day, Do Won has seen neither hide nor hair of Seo Kyeong. It is a very impressive skill considering how closely the teams have been interacting of late. But it had been a blessing. Not seeing her had somewhat dulled the pain in his chest.

But now she can’t escape and neither can he. 

Do Won wonders if it is this torturous for her, as much as it is for him. But she seems to be doing fine, way better than he is and he feels a little resentment. His logical brain reminds him in no time that he’s being an asshole. He was the one who set the new rules of their relationship. He has no business being angry or wondering how Seo Kyeong is handling everything.

But the feelings in his heart don't quite understand the logic of his brain.

-

For about two weeks, there is a relative amount of peace. There’s no way or need for Do Won and Seo Kyeong to meet or even interact other than during a meeting. And when they do, you would think that there is nothing wrong between them. Do Won knows how to lie well, and now he realizes Seo Kyeong does too.

The squad does eventually begin to split up to cover more ground quicker and Do Won always manages to ensure that Seo Kyeong’s colleague never gets to be with her. It takes a lot of ingenuity and deceit but all the same, he manages. The man had felt a little familiar the more he saw of him and now Do Won realizes it was the same senior who had pursued her during college. It was no wonder his presence had triggered such a visceral reaction in Do Won. He remembers the way that man had made Seo Kyeong feel and how Seo Kyeong had been so grateful to have Do Won in her life. 

He also remembers the fleeting seconds of that hug, remembers the way the lines of her body had melded against his and how blissful it had been to spend those precious few seconds in the firm hold of her arms. 

Do Won is a liar. He promised Seo Kyeong he would always be there for her and now look at him - a nobody, just another person in Seo Kyeong’s orbit. 

-

Despite Do Won’s best efforts, one day, it eventually happens. He’s not able to keep that man, Choi Jun Hwan away from Seo Kyeong. So he does the most stupid and foolish thing he can do but also the only thing he can think of. He partners up with her instead and leaves the man to the mercy of Jin Woo.

It is not like he did not anticipate that one day he would have to work in close quarters with her. He just didn't expect it to happen when the wounds in their relationship were still so fresh. In the two days before they are supposed to partner up, he's alternatively gripped by anticipation and agony. He knows Seo Kyeong can keep a lid on her emotions. But can he do the same? Do Won does not know what he can and can’t do anymore.

-

And perhaps the Chief knows what kind of a time bomb they are, Do Won and Seo Kyeong and all that is said and unsaid between them, so she calls them in the day before their assignment.

“Update me on your assignment.” Chief Oh sits calmly before them and once upon a time, the three of them were a unit. Now, everything is so different. 

Words are stuck in Do Won’s throat. So Seo Kyeong smoothly segues in and answers instead.

“Team Leader Seo and I are going to be visiting Baek Eun Hee’s past work place, a garment processing unit. We are hoping her colleagues can share some details about her and her family. Maybe this can give us a few leads.”

“Good. Keep me posted on how it goes.”

“Of course, Wonjang-nim.” Seo Kyeong responds, ever the professional, calm and collected. Maybe Do Won could learn this from her. He just explodes all over the place. Not Seo Kyeong. And maybe the Chief is satisfied with what she sees. Because Do Won knows, she didnt call them in so that she could know more about the assignment. She wants to know if both of them are capable. And while Seo Kyeong certainly is, Chief Oh’s coolly assessing gaze questions in them when she looks at Do Won and he feels shame flush through him. 

Do Won straightens his back and meets her gaze head on. He’s a grown man. And for once, he can put his hot-headedness behind him and act mature.

-

When the day finally comes around, Do Won shows up at work before everyone else because he’s so jumpy that he does not know what to do with himself. The weather matches his mood, rainy and thunderous.

On the dot at 9.00 am, his phone rings and he snatches it up and answers.

“Detective Seo, I am in the carpark. Where are you?” Seo Kyeong sounds like her normal self, clear and composed but Do Won’s heart sinks a little at the way she addresses him. She’s never really called him anything other than Oppa and it hurts to think that she now will never address him like that again.

“I will be there in five minutes, Seo - uh sorry, Prosecutor Han.” His heart thuds at his slipup and with another pang of sadness, he realizes that he too cannot call her anything other than Prosecutor Han. There’s no Seo Kyeong-ah and there’s no Oppa anymore.

It takes him a few moments to snap out of his party. Do Won cannot be the one to indulge in maudlin feelings when it is Seo Kyeong who has experienced the worst of whatever is between them.

He heads outside to the carpark and notices Seo Kyeong standing next to a police van, under a stark black umbrella. They have a long day of information gathering before them and Seo Kyeong is not dressed in her usual chic suits. In fact, she's dressed down, in jeans, a sweater and kicks. It’s been a while since he’s seen her like this, and he’s unprepared for the flood of memories that come rushing back to him.

She looks a little bit like how she did on the night where he realized he loved her and it’s bittersweet to know his feelings for her are just as strong as they always were. To escape the rain, he runs across the lot towards her and as soon as he draws close, Seo Kyeong tucks her phone away and instinctively raises the umbrella to cover him as well. 

The umbrella puts them in an awkward position. Do Won is so close that he can feel the faint warmth of her body and can see and smell the mango lip balm she's wearing.

“Good morning. I hope I haven't kept you waiting.” Every word out of her mouth feels like the sharp stab of a needle on his fingertip and Do Won already wants to drown himself in alcohol to help deal with this mess he’s created. 

“Uh, you haven't. We can take my car.” Do Won somehow manages to sound normal as he grasps the umbrella so that she does not have to hold it and leads them towards his car. They are walking side by side but there’s a stiffness in Seo Kyeong’s shoulders and Do Won agonizes over the apparent normality of this. This could have been them.  _ But it isn’t _ .

Once they are in the car and ready, Seo Kyeong produces a notepad from her bag and Do Won tries not to do something as creepy as leaning in close to drink in her scent. It’s the one he had smelt on her the other day, during lunch when she was seated next to him. It's that heady mix of warm sugar and vanilla. With something sharp, something unknown to him. Maybe it was some sort of perfume or lotion. He cannot quite tell. However, it feels like some sort of siren call and he wants to drown in it. 

With a lot of forbearance, he resists and instead wills himself to look attentive and normal as he can be. The last thing he needs is for Seo Kyeong to think of him as a creep. He’s been many horrible things so far but he would never want Seo Kyeong to feel unsafe around him.

“I’ve made a list of places Baek Eun Hee was last seen at as well as the people who interacted with her before she went missing.” She flips open the pad and hands it over to him and when her fingers graze his ever so light and involuntary, Do Won feels something dark and heady run up his spine. 

When he was younger, there was a certain kind of chasteness to them, a reluctance to see Seo Kyeong as anything other than the young girl he had met. 

And now, though Do Won tries as hard as he can, he cannot go back to how he felt. He’s a man and she’s a woman, something he feels all too aware of. Along with him, his feelings have evolved as well. The fumbling awkwardness of boyhood has long since disappeared.There’s an edge and a certain kind of desperation to his feelings that weren’t there before. 

The desire he has for her (and it's not just some physical thing, rather it's a desire for  _ all _ of her) has transformed into something so much bigger than him. Every little glance or look, and even the barest graze of fingertips, they register as scalding hot burns. 

And seeing Seo Kyeong everyday hasn't helped at all. If anything, his mind frequently plays truant and runs away with thoughts of her and the life they would build. That’s during the day. And in the night, he wonders how Seo Kyeong would like to be kissed. He wonders if she would allow him to suck hickies down the slender column of her throat. He imagines his hands spanning the side of her waist, running down the length of her body, reverent and worshipful. 

He imagines - he imagines so much. All the sights and sounds of her, the way her hands will graze across his back, of her hand cupping his face, thumb rubbing along the side of his jaw, as he kisses her, warm and hungry and wanting.

But what use are desires when the real thing remains a distant possibility?

-

If he is on tenterhooks, Seo Kyeong is the exact opposite, as calm a person can be. The way she’s being with him now is how she would be with her own colleagues, contained and distant, yet also polite and courteous. The way she’s with him, it’s how she’s at work. Do Won’s eyes run over the list, but he can also feel his eyes begin to glaze with unshed tears. However, he blinks away the tears even before they have a chance to pool. He can give Seo Kyeong at least this, the courtesy of being treated as a respected colleague.

“Uh, we can start with her workplace.” Seo Keyong complies with a brief nod of her head and he returns the notepad. 

-

The victim’s place of work is located on the outskirts of the city and a good hour and a half away from the station. It continues to rain steadily and Do Won senses that the rain is not going to let up any time soon. And because most of the things that have happened in his life are associated with Seo Kyeong, he remembers the time the two of them were caught in the rain as teenagers. They were returning from a school competition and were heading towards the bus stop. He remembers catching hold of Seo Kyeong’s hand and running towards the shelter of the stop. 

-

**_14 years ago..._ **

"You okay?" Do Won asks once they are standing under the shelter. They had run so quick and he had just tugged Seo Kyeong along without any regard for her comfort. 

"I'm okay Oppa," Seo Kyeong smiles up at him. Both of them look like bedraggled kittens. In the five minutes it took them to run to the shelter, the rain had gotten them completely wet. 

It's not the most ideal of times to be stuck outside, at the mercy of the elements. It's cold, their clothes are uncomfortable, and yet, Do Won is not unhappy or annoyed. He's fine. He's fine because as long as he and Seo Kyeong are next to each other, everything will be okay. As much as he is her rock, she's his too. It's been a few months ever since Seo Kyeong moved in and Do Won has been blessed with the sight of Seo Kyeong slowly returning to the person she once was. And in a way, he too is returning to the person he once was. 

They are practically attached at the hip all the time, unless it is at school. And even then, there's a rapid back and forth of messages. It's wonderful to call out and have someone from the other side respond. Do Won vows to push back the truth of what happened that night. This was not the right time. Not when she was just getting back to who she used to be. She didn't need to know.

Maybe sometime later. When they both were in different places, he would tell her then.

-

"Oppa!"

Do Won is jerked out of the memory by Seo Kyeong's alarmed voice and her hand tugging on his forearm urgently. And when he looks ahead, he can understand why. He's heading straight into the bumper of a bus. He slams the brakes just in time to stop the car a few centimetres away from the bus. The sudden brake causes both of them to jolt forward and by reflex, he holds out an arm to stall Seo Kyeong’s movement and her grip on his arm tightens. He exhales shakily as Seo Kyeong’s other hand comes up to hak on to his arm to calm herself. This could have ended in so many different ways. And all of them are horrible. He’s lucky the car’s tyres didn't cause it to hydroplane on the wet road. 

"Let's pull over," Seo Kyeong suggests, a little pale, and removes her hands from his forearm. The tension in the car is thick and Do Won finds its getting more and more oppressive by the minute.

Do Won is too shaken to do anything other than nod. Both horror and self-loathing well up simultaneously inside him. He had almost gotten Seo Kyeong badly injured or even worse, lifeless. 

He pulls over and Seo Kyeong gets down from the car hurriedly, her breathing measured and rapid and not even caring that it is steadily raining. Luckily, this is one of the older highways, one that does not see much traffic. Otherwise, it would not have been just him and Seo Kyeong. Along with them, a multi-car pileup would have been created behind them. 

Do Won too gets down along with Seo Kyeong's umbrella and opens it over her. 

"I'm sorry - _ uh _ . I,  _ uh _ … I got -  _ no _ , I'm sorry for what happened. My mind," Do Won struggles to explain himself. 

"I got distracted." He finishes, sharply conscious of his inadequacy to keep Seo Kyeong from harm and not sure how to tell her he endangered her because he was thinking of a memory about the two of them, back when they were in happier times. 

The rain steadily pours around them and it's a little bit like old times. Him and Seo Kyeong seeking shelter. From the elements. Or from the world, perhaps. 

"If you are sick, we can head back. I’ll ask someone else to join me." The colour still hasn't returned to her face and even though she sounds as composed as always, Do Won knows the way she holds herself when she's upset or stressed. Her arms folded tightly around her, hands tucked away from sight to hide the tremors that come from anxiety. 

Do Won shakes his head. “No. I'm okay. Just tired... I guess.”

His words sound so inspid. He hates himself so fucking much. When it comes to Seo Kyeong, there's nothing he can seem to do right. He cannot keep her safe, he cannot keep her close, he cannot keep her far, there are just so many things he's utterly failing at doing. He does not want it to be like this. He was right to antagonize her and push her away. He is unworthy of Seo Kyeong. She deserves a man, a hundred, a thousand, times better than he is. He scrubs his face in frustration, when just then, he's tugged ahead. Seo Kyeong has caught hold of his sleeve and pulled him forward.

"You're getting wet," she points out. 

Both of them are now sheltered from the rain, but both of them are also standing as close as they possibly can without touching each other. Under the umbrella, it’s a private world of their own. Everything else fades away.

If Seo Kyeong tilts her head a little, Do Won will see the mole she has on the left side of her throat. If she comes any closer, Do Won will remember all the things he has been wanting to do.

The air is charged with tension and Do Won doesn't know about Seo Kyeong but he's not gonna last another minute before doing anything stupid and ill-advised. But maybe he's not the only one affected. Seo Kyeong's eyes are focused on a point beyond his shoulders, but there's a faint hint of colour blooming on her cheeks, and her pupils have dilated. She looks just like how he imagines her in his dreams.Her mango lip balm smells even stronger and sweeter and maybe, just maybe, Do Won should give in. He's only human. He cannot say yes, he cannot say no. He just cannot. 

He leans in a little closer, his own lips a breath away from hers and Seo Keyong moves closer. Just this once, he will give in. Their lips meet in the barest and lightest of kisses. And the world around them stalls. Do Won cannot focus on anything other than Seo Kyeong in front of him. Her lips are soft and sweet, smearing a little balm on his own. He presses a little closer and feels Seo Kyeong sink a little as he winds one arm around her waist and draws her closer. The kiss deepens, Seo Kyeong’s hands come up to grip his biceps and something hot and bright runs through his veins. He wants so much more and he wants to drown and he wants to have, and that is when the spell is broken. Both he and Seo Kyeong immediately pull back and Do Won’s hand quickly falls away from her waist.

Fuck.Fuck. What the fuck did he just do? Do Won just wants to spiral into a pit of shame

Seo Kyeog puts a little more distance between them, all her emotions rushing away and being replaced by the persona she adopts for work. Her cheeks are flooded with warmth and pinkness and Do Won feels the impression of her hands on his body to be something akin to a hot brand.

"Let's get back into the car," Seo Kyeong suggests and slips out from under the umbrella to climb into the driver's seat. Her absence, both physically and metaphorically is an ache. 

He gets in beside her and feels so very tired. And alone. And empty. 

She makes no move to acknowledge what just happened and Do Won can’t bear to bring it up either. She methodically adjusts the seat and mirrors and waits for him to buckle up.

"I'll drive the rest of the way, you can rest until we reach her office," Seo Kyeong mentions as she turns up the heater in the car and pulls away to join the traffic lane. 

They still have another hour or so before they reach. And maybe he should say something or take over but he cannot find it in himself to do so. 

He looks over a few times at Seo Kyeong who's got her eyes trained on the road ahead and wonders, what did he do to deserve her and what did he do to have her taken away? What kind of cosmic joke is this? But the thoughts eventually slow down and Do Won finds himself drifting away, feelings more at peace than he has ever been in the last three years. There's no comfort or warmth like that of Seo Kyeong's presence.

If only…

-

When Do Won wakes up, the car is parked in a lot and it is still raining. He sits up and notices a piece of paper on the driver’s seat. Seo Kyeong has left him a note.

_ Didn't want to disturb you. The car keys are with me. _

Do Won sinks back into his seat. This just one more way he’s a failure, unable to do anything, trapped in a mess of his own making. 

Just when he's about to call Seo Kyeong, he finds her heading towards the direction of the car. She's holding her big black umbrella and sheltered from the rain. Even an umbrella is doing a better job than him. 

“I’m very sorry. I don't know why I have been such a mess this morning. I haven't been of any use to you at all.” The words tumble out, one after the other and Do Won cannot seem to stop the wave of self-loathing that colours his speech.

Seo Kyeong fixes her seatbelt and turns towards him.

“Stop. Everybody has their off days. It’s not a crime to be tired.” Seo Kyeong is firm but kind, just like she’s always been. She continues, “I was able to talk to her colleagues, but did not find anything that we already didn’t know. She did however visit her village often. I had the admin pull up the address for me. Perhaps that’s where we need to go next. 

“Oh...okay.” That’s all he can manage. He does not know why he feels so tongue-tied. 

Seo Kyeong reverses the car and pulls out the parking lot. 

“And…” Seo Kyeong clears her throat consciously. “You need to take better care of your health. It’s not good to push yourself so hard that you put yourself at risk.” 

She never takes her eyes off the road and Do Won feels something akin to shame and gratitude fizzing through his body. 

“I’ll take care. Of my health. I will.” He cannot tell her that work is the only thing that’s keeping him from falling apart. It’s the only stable thing he has left. 

He also cannot stop looking at her until she turns to him with a raised eyebrow. He shakes his head, adjusts his seatbelt and looks at the road ahead instead. Her words ring in his head like a bell. 

It has been so long since somebody cared about him. And that somebody had always been Seo Kyeong. Just as he anticipated her needs, she anticipated his. And even after the horrible way he has treated her, the way he’s breached the boundaries he had the arrogance to set, Seo Kyeong can still spare a little kindness and compassion for him. 

Maybe what he thought would be good, for the both of them, is not good at all. And yet Seo Kyeong is dealing with everything with such grace and strength.

Perhaps he should tell her?

He decides he will. Because he has realized there is never going to be the right time to break the news. 

-

The whole day is a bust in terms of work. Nobody could share any bit of information that was relevant. They had run up against so many dead ends.

But that’s for work. Do Won hasn’t felt this content in a long time.There’s still the elephant of the past hanging over them, but both of them are able to talk a little and discuss the details of the case. And the more he talks to her, the more Do Won realizes that Seo Kyeong is a lot stronger than he gives her credit for. When they finally come back to the station, Do Won offers to drop her home. Just like old times. 

And in that instant, that fragile sense of normalcy between them falls apart.

And from there on, it all goes to hell.

-

Seo Kyeong freezes in her seat, hand clutching the seatbelt.

And he wishes, he really wishes he could take those words back. But they are out of his mouth before he can stop them.

“That’s okay. I can take a taxi.” Her shoulders square as she looks him straight in the eye. “I don't want to be a burden and I certainly don’t want to seem like I’m overstepping my boundaries.” 

She's so polite. So precise. So formal. And yet, her words feel like a sharp slap to his face and Do Won can feel the blood in veins turn to glass. He’s hurt her. He’s hurt her so badly. And he deserves to be called out. He should be apologizing, not her. He is the one who overstepped her boundaries. He’s the one who keeps shifting them.

Her knuckles are white around the seatbelt and she blinks away tears before sharply nodding her head and getting out of the car.

Do Won starts to get out of the car but then stops. What can he even say, that would make things better? He waits for Seo Kyeong to leave the parking lot, and even from a distance, the rigid line of her back is visible. Tears begin running down his face and he punches the dashboard with a vengeance, so much so that he creates a dent on the car’s dashboard and splits the skin on his knuckles.

He has hurt Seo Kyeong. He is no different from the other people in her life.

And therefore, it is only right that he should be hurt as well.

-

Do Won doesn’t normally drink alcohol. A childhood spent with an alcoholic father was more incentive than anything to stay away from alcohol. But occasionally, he breaks the rules. And this day is one of those times. 

He sits at the table at home, a dim light bathing him and the room in a sickly orange glow, steadily topping up his glass. His father always told him alcohol dulled the pain when nothing else would. So Do Won is going to try. Except the more he drinks, the more her words tighten like barbed wire around his heart. The pain just magnifies with each swallow that burns his throat. 

He feels ill at the thought of Seo Kyeong suffering by herself and yet day after day putting up with his presence around her. His promises were empty ones after all. And maybe he is his father’s son after all.

-

The next day, Do Won wakes with a massive hangover. The bottles of soju look back at him, mocking in their emptiness. He grabs them all and tosses them into the trash can. The force by which he throws them causes them to shatter on impact. And when Do Won hears the glass break and all he wants to do is destroy everything around him.

He reaches work in a foul mood, the hangover not having gone as yet and the cruelty of his actions constantly replaying themselves in a loop of self-loathing in his head. 

The moment he enters the office, his eyes automatically seek out Seo Kyeong. When she looks up and notices his presence, for a second she holds his gaze before turning away. He smiles wanly and heads towards his desk. He deserves this.

-

The day passes in a haze of paperwork and gruntwork. There's a long list of people to be called and narrowed down as possible sources of information about the missing women and though his head aches, he keeps his eyes glued to his screen, and goes through the list before him methodically, like a robot.

When it’s time to head out for lunch, Seo Kyeong excuses herself. Do Won’s heart sinks. Is it because of him? But that awful sense of shame is quickly replaced by jealousy when he sees her senior excuse himself from lunch as well. Something in the look on that man’s face feels off and Do Won asks Jae Hyeok to cover for him before following them out. 

He sees Seo Kyeong heading to her car which is parked on the far corner to the right, away from sight, unless you stand at a certain angle, and he sees her senior quickly catch up and grab her arm. His blood freezes as he watches Seo Kyeong turn around and throw the man’s hand off. Her senior once again reaches out, except this time, he tries to force a kiss on her. Do Won feels adrenaline flow through his body and launches himself off the steps and runs towards them. By the time he reaches though, Seo Kyeong has wriggled out of Choi Jun Hwan's grasp and punches him in the face and then knees him in the crotch. The man collapses with a shriek of pain and Do Won is close enough that he can hear what the man says about Seo Kyeong. He calls her many ugly names and no just no, Do Won cannot allow this man to get away with it. When he comes near Seo Kyeong, her body is vibrating with anger and her eyes are bright and sharp. Do Won hauls up the man without any hesitation and pushes him up against a wall.

“You have something to say?” He snarls at the man. All he wants is a word, an opportunity to knock his teeth out. The man does not disappoint.

“She’s a frigid bitch. With a stick up her ass. Nobody wants to fuck her.” The man spits back. Do Won’s left hand rears back to throw a punch but it never lands because Seo Kyeong catches his hand and pulls him aside.

“Step aside Oppa.” There’s an undercurrent of something venomous and sharp in her voice.

Do Won’s hands fall away from the man’s throat and as he coughs and tries to regain his breath Seo Kyeong knees him on the side of his stomach and sweeps her leg under his to kick him flat to the ground.

“You wanted me to touch you, isn't it? How does this feel? Is it exciting?" She places the heel of her shoe on his crotch and at once, the man tries to squirm away except Seo Kyeong presses down her foot sharply and the man howls in pain.

In the span of a few minutes, the table has turned and the scene has changed. Seo Kyeong is the one in charge now.

“If I don’t want your dick, I must be a bitch, right? But even if I kept my legs open, I’d still be a bitch to you, isn’t it?” 

All the bluster and bravado the man possesses dissolves into tears. He blubbers weakly. “Please, please, don’t hurt me. I won't bother you again. I promise!”

“As if a coward like you can keep promises. Did you think you could force yourself on me and nothing would happen? That I’d let you fuck me just so that you can brag about it to your friends?"

Do Won just stands mutely to the side, watching all of this and feeling his body go numb. This is a side of Seo Kyeong he’s never had to witness. Her eyebrows are drawn back in an angry slant and her eyes look like they could burn holes right through the man’s skull.

“You’re just a pathetic little coward. And if you ever come near me again, I won’t file a harassment report. I’ll just break your spine into two. Got it?” Seo Kyeong raises an eyebrow at the man. He doesn't respond so she stabs her heel down sharply.

“I got it. I’m sorry, I won't come near you again.” The man mumbles, tears leaking from his eyes.

Seo Kyeong lifts her heel off him and immediately the man sits up and protectively covers himself.

Once he stands up, Seo Kyeong looks at him coolly. And though before the senior towered over her, now he looks small and insignificant in front of Seo Kyeong.

“Don't think I dont know what you are doing behind Prosecutor Lee’s back. Either you tell him and get yourself transferred, or I tell all of South Korea, that Choi Jun Hwan, son of the former Prosecutor General Choi Min Shik is a failure, an assaulter, a thief and just a worthless piece of trash.” 

Seo Kyeong’s threat doesn’t sound like an empty one. She’s absolutely certain and willing to carry it out.

And the man realizes this. The colour drains from his face and he nods rapidly.“I’ll let him know. I’m sorry, I-”

But he never gets to finish his sentence because Seo Kyeong spins around on her heel and walks away. Do Won follows after her and he’s about to open his mouth but Seo Kyeong turns around and holds her hand up. He can see that something in her has snapped.

“I have been polite and respected what you have asked of me. But, I don't need or want your protection. I never asked for it.” 

Do Won listens to her words with bile rising in his throat. No. It’s not like that. He wants to stop her. He wants to tell her everything but he’s frozen, the words stuck in his throat.

“You don’t know me anymore. And you dont have the right to either. Also, I can take care of myself just fine. I dont need or want you to do  _ anything _ for me ever again.” Her voice breaks on the last line but her expression never changes. She turns away and walks back to the office. Do Won stays frozen in his spot, every word reverberating like a loud speaker in his head. 

His ears are ringing and the world seems to be spinning around him. He’s done it. He’s managed what he has been trying to do for the past three years. Seo Kyeong hates him and can't stand the sight of him.

Isn’t this what he wanted? Then why does he feel so hollow? Why does he feel like his heart is being split into two? Why does he feel like falling to his knees and begging for her forgiveness? Why does he feel like he’s just made the worst mistake of his life.

Why?

-

He cannot go back. He cannot go back and face her, not when he finally knows how she feels.

He’s felt shame and guilt before. Those emotions are not alien to him. But the way he feels now, he’s never felt that way before. He wants to die. He climbs into his car in a daze and texts Jae Hyeok that he’s not coming back. Something came up, that he needs to take care of soon. Jae Hyeok is bewildered, he can sense that. But he just does not have it in him to explain.

-

He heads home and heads straight for the shower, ripping off his clothes along the way. He turns the water to its coldest temperatures and stands under it, letting the shock of the cold water numb his body and mind, if only for a little while at least. 

Once he gets out though, the cold slowly slips away. And the pain returns. His entire body is aching. 

He has to tell her today. He can no longer hold on to this truth. He’d rather have her hate him for this. He does not want her to continue believing that he hates her because she confessed her feelings. That she is not enough for him. That she’s beneath him in some way. That was never the case. And it never will be.

-

He practices a thousand times what he would like to say, the best way he could break this news without upsetting her. But there just isn't a way that makes this any better.

At around ten in the night, he finally shores up his courage and drives to her home. He knows she’s alone today. Because Chief Oh has gone to another jurisdiction.

He knocks once, twice and thrice before Seo Kyeong opens the door. Her face blanches as soon as she sees that it’s him.

She notices the casefile in his hands and looks at him with tired eyes. “Can this not wait until tomorrow?”

“No it cannot, Seo Kyeong-ah. There’s something you need to know.”

Seo Kyeong watches him in confusion and surprise as he toes off his shoes and enters the house.

-

“...it was my father. The person who killed your father.” Do Won finishes. An air of stony silence envelopes them. 

Seo Kyeong is sitting opposite him, tears running down her face. She’s not said one word the entire time. Do Won watches her, tears running down his face as well. He’s finally ripped off the bandage. There’s so much that’s left between them unsaid. But at least this is no longer one of those things.

Seo Kyeong stands up abruptly. “ I now know I have been a joke to you from the start. Just a foolish pathetic person to you. Please get out.”

Do Won stands up as well. But there’s still so much more that he needs to tell her.

“Seo Kyeong-ah…” he pleads but Seo Kyeong looks away. 

“Just leave,  _ please _ . I cannot look at you anymore. ”

Do Won stills, knowing that now they are well and truly done. He would like to tell her how he feels but he does not blame her for not wanting to do anything with him. He places the file on the coffee table and heads out, closing the door behind him. He leans against the wall outside, listening to the small choked sobs that escape from Seo Kyeong. This moment in time is a cruel imitation of that event three years ago. And both those times, he’s been the one responsible for making her cry.

He thought he was protecting her. But he now knows that he was not. He was selfishly guarding his own heart. He waits for a long time outside, until her sobs soften and eventually disappear. He heads back home and heads to the dining table. He pillows his head on his hands and begins to cry. The tears flow from his eyes like a deluge of sadness. He cries and cries until he’s sick, until he vomits.

He rinses his mouth and drinks a bottle of water. The taste of bile however still sticks in his throat. He heads to bed, lies down and closes his eyes. The bile still feels acrid in his mouth, bitter and painful. Tears begin leaking from his eyes.

This is all he can do anymore.

There’s no deed or apology that can fix this. There’s no penitence he can undertake to prove his sincerity, his love for her.

_ No _ . All he can do is cry.

-

The last time Do Won felt so empty and hopeless, he was seventeen and debating jumping in front of a train. 

At that time, it had seemed so simple. But now, things are no longer the way they once were. Do Won cannot take this option, not when there is Seo Kyeong suffering the brunt of his actions and choices. He performs his routine on autopilot. He will try to keep going as long as he can, but he does not know if he can look Seo Kyeong in the face like a decent person, after all that he’s said to her and revealed to her? Maybe that is his punishment. To live with the knowledge of what he has done. And what he has lost.

When he arrives at the precinct, the first person he encounters as he enters the room is Seo Kyeong. He stills, not knowing what to say. But Seo Kyeong smiles and his heart breaks a little. Her smile doesn't reach her eyes, but moreover, the spark he had always imagined was in her eyes is completely gone. If eyes are the windows to the soul, Seo Kyeong has permanently shut hers. He no longer has the privilege to look into her eyes and know what she is saying. So he smiles back, feeling very much like a hollow container and heads to his desk.

The only bright spot in his day is the fact that Choi Jun Hwan is no longer on the team or squad, a fact Chief Prosecutor Kim shares with him, in clipped grim tones. 

Do Won moves from day to day, forgetting or unable to do anything that a normal functioning person would do. What is the point of doing anything even? There are pleasant exchanges with Seo Kyeong and they feel like needles being stabbed into his eyes. His admission of the truth has turned Seo Kyeong into something robotic as well. Once again, he’s managed to break a piece of her.

The case drags on and on, with no clear end in sight, no relevant information that can ID the murdered and most important of all, no evidence other than the bodies themselves. 

As the weeks pass,the public grows uneasy and the government begins breathing down their neck harder. Ultimatums are laid down, positions are threatened and Do Won wonders if there is any possibility of even solving the case. If they could only find one key piece of evidence, the rest would somehow fall into place. But what is that key piece of evidence, Do Won cannot even imagine what it would be and how it would be. 

He does find out though, three days after, on a rainy Thursday night, at exactly 9.30 pm. And it comes as a horrible shock.

-

A drunkard stumbles in Mugyeong Station, presumably to sleep off his intoxicated state, but that never happens. Because he experiences a rude shock that propels him back to horrified sobriety.

He stumbles on a suitcase and wonders why someone abandoned it on a rail track that has falled into disrepair. He opens the suitcase and screams when confronted with the sight inside. It’s a dead body, arms and legs tucked at awkward angles, with the rotting smell that signals the start of decomposition. And the face is stuck in rictus. A wide smile, mottled lips and sightless eyes.

He runs away to find the nearest police officer and within half an hour, the place is swarming with detectives, forensics and Do Won himself. This time however, the body doesn’t come by it’s self. It holds a key piece of evidence. A single earring, with bright red stones which is found at the bottom of the suitcase. 

The entire squad is shocked and the earring is at once sent to forensics for furthering imaging and testing. Maybe this is the break they have been looking for all along.

Do Won is ready and raring to go. The killer has finally made a mistake. 

-

Within a few hours, the special squad assembles at the station and both the Chief and Prosecutor attempt to arrive at the next course of action. When the earring is shown to all of them, Do Won notices that Seo Kyeong’s eyes grow wide and he wonders, what is she seeing? She digs into her bag, hands shaking as she brings out the casefile of her father’s murder. Do Won didn’t know she was carrying it with her.

The forensics reveal an honestly ridiculous detail. The earring does not belong to the victim. In fact, the DNA on the earring seems to be dated, very dated, at least a few years before 2020. 

Seo Kyeong stands up and Do Won watches in alarm as she sways slightly.

“I have seen that earring before.” Everyone looks at her stunned and Do Won feels the blood drain from his body. What does she mean?

She opens the casefile, hands trembling and face pale and sweaty. Without thinking, Do Won immediately jumps up and rushes to her side to steady her. A sense of hysteria pervades the room.

“It was a part of a jewelry box my father owned. The night he was murdered, a gold chain was stolen from the box. But everything else was left behind.”

“Prosecutor Han, what is the meaning of this? This is no time for dramatics!”The Chief Prosecutor barks. 

“Prosecutor Han, what is it that you want to say?” Chief Oh questions, much more calmer but also all the more dangerous. Everyone else is watching this scene unfold in slackjawed amazement.

Do Won looks at the open casefile and looks at the page she’s turned to. He’s never seen the casefile himself. He didnt want to know about what his father did that night. But maybe he should have.

It shows photos of all the evidence that was collected that night. And she is right. The earring was a part of the collection. Suddenly, a lot of stray puzzle pieces fall into place, rather like a domino effect. Thoughts race through his mind.

“She’s right. It was a part of the evidence collected 12 years ago.” It does not take long for Do Won to arrive at conclusions. The gold chain in his father’s pocket was planted. Presumably by the actual killer. And maybe his father was not the killer at all. By the time he can say anything more and Chief Oh steps forward to take a look at the casefile, the file slips out from Seo Kyeong’s hands and she crumples and Do Won catches her before she hits the ground. 

“Seo Kyeong-ah!” Do Won gently shakes her and Jin Woo at once comes running with a bottle of water. He sprinkles water gently on her face. Do Won does not care who sees him or what they hear. He only cares about the fact that Seo Kyeong is lying in his arms, her pulse a feeble thing, her eyes blank, in an apparent state of shock. He taps her cheeks, nudging her a little. This feels like a nightmare and if she could just wake up, everything would be better.

There's cacophony around them as calls are made, including one to an ambulance. Do Won is not able to let go of her until the medics arrive and once Seo Kyeong is carried into the ambulance, Do Won climbs in as well. He’s not able to articulate anything or even think of anything other than Seo Kyeong. The medics check her vitals and even though Seo Kyeong has regained consciousness and responds to external stimuli, there's not one sound from her. Once the medics have done their bit, they allow Do Won to come forward.

“She’s in shock. She may not be able to respond or move for a while.” One medic cautions him.

Do Won takes her hand in his and clasps it tightly. Tears begin streaming from Seo Kyeong’s eyes and Do Won finds himself crying too. 

He’s aware of what this crucial piece of evidence means for the two of them. The picture it has helped create is that of a true incident that has undone everything they believed for the past 12 years.

But how can he undo what has already been done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought Do Won is a dumbass, you would be right. Thankfully, Seo Kyeong is a smart girl. 
> 
> Next and final chapter is 1/4th done. Lettuce hope I can post soon.
> 
> If you are looking for me, just to hurry me and my writing along, find me at wullu.tumblr.com.


End file.
